It’s been quite a while since I’ve last written in here. I’ve been putting off updating my blog for a while now, and for a variety of reasons. Only now do I fully realize what I’ve been feeling and what this blog represents to me.
But first, let me just recap what’s happened over the last month or so.
I got a job. A job at a place called Ecojobs. They contract with nature preserves to send us to go do things like weeding, or planting trees. Initially I thought I would hate this job. As usual, I placed all these strange expectations on it. Like, the males who work there won’t respect me because I’m a woman, or that I will be “too qualified” for something like this (pulling weeds for money, pfft).
I started out doing two days a week, and well, it turns out I do like it, and all my expectations were unmet and unfounded. And no, I’m not “over-qualified”. Everyone who works there is very educated and you know what? They choose to do this work because they like to be outside in nature and you create your own hours. Sure, it’s pulling weeds but we get to see some pretty cool places and some awesome wildlife, like bobtail lizards or spiders as big as my hand (creepy but awesome).
On the weekend after I quit the grocery store, I went to a Saturday farmer’s market at Perth City Farm. I’d been wanting to go for a while but just hadn’t been able to, especially since the grocery store was scheduling me on Saturdays. It was beautiful. There were guys selling breakfast tacos, which is a rarity, and one of the guys had just come back from visiting Austin. The feel of the space and the people reminded me so much of Austin and made me homesick yet at home at the same time. I also discovered when I arrived that they had a job available as a Market Coordinator, ie running their farmer’s market. Later that week I applied and two weeks later I had an interview. I was excited. I did all kinds of research and had all sorts of ideas about how to change it for the better. Perth City Far is a cool place and I was excited at the potential opportunity to work at a place that reminded me so much of home. At the end of the interview, I was told that I and one other applicant were the strongest, and that I would hear back sometime within the next week.
I also decided to volunteer there on Mondays doing admin support because I thought that even if I didn’t get the position, I could still help out and learn a thing or two from there.
Over 5 weeks since my interview, I’ve spoken with the woman making the decision multiple times and they are still deciding. I went in for a “trial” this past Saturday, which is progress, but I probably won’t hear something for at least another week.
This waiting game has truly messed with me. I didn’t realize how much it did until only a few days ago. I’ve been holding out applying for other jobs or opening any new doors until I find out about the position because I didn’t want to put something on my plate while I was waiting and then have to juggle too many things or let someone down to accept this job. Or at least, that was my logic. Now I realize it probably wasn’t that sound.
What’s even more crazy is I’ve been waiting to write in my blog until I find out. Why? Because I wanted to show everyone “Look! See, I’m making progress!” I didn’t want to write another “I don’t know what’s going on” post because I wanted everyone to see me as strong, positive, and moving forward. I also wanted to see myself that way. I didn’t want to believe that I’m still in a state of flux and that this job isn’t the beacon of light I’ve been hoping for. Until today, I believed this. I thought this job would fix everything and my life would start going in the direction I want, all I have to do is just wait to see if I have it… just wait… just wait…
I was trying to dismiss the part of me that is lost, and replace it with something new, something confident. But it doesn’t really work that way. The part of me that is lost, insecure, fearful, that is me. It always will be part of me. We are all full of emotions both positive and negative. We can never get rid of those past actions we regret or the feelings we wish didn’t exist. They are always a part of us and we have to learn to be compassionate to ourself. I don’t know about you, but I am quick to practice compassion towards other people, I always try to understand their perspective, their feelings, and their situation. But when it comes to myself, I’m the meanest person around. How dare you feel this? Get over it. Stop whinging. You’re being ridiculous. I also often disassociate the past Portia with present Portia. “Oh, that gothic, self-abusing girl you knew in middle school? That’s not me. That was some lost, confused adolescent. I’m a completely different person now.” The thing is, I’m not a different person. I’m the same person I’ve always been, I’ve just changed; evolved.
As I’m finishing up this (quite lengthy) post, I can’t help but feel vulnerable (which, by the way isn’t a bad thing). I’ve put a lot of my feelings out there. Out there to be potentially judged or ridiculed by some people I’ve never met, haven’t talked to in years, or people I speak to every day.
All I hope from sharing my thoughts with whoever is reading this is that through reading my struggles, you are enlightened to something within your own life. We all feel the same things, we are all human, and we are all compassionate beings with an undeniable connectedness to one another… and I think we forget that all too often.